Let's chat about some ideas I love that I've learned along the way from the amazing sexuality professionals I've studied with.
First idea: Let's challenge the definition of "sex." We've been led to believe that sex means intercourse....usually a penis going into a vagina (or other orifice). And/or that it means genital involvement. And/or that it means penetration. And/or that an orgasm is a crucial element. Let's start by challenging that. Sex can be anything we enjoy doing consensually with a partner/s that has sexual energy....any kind of touch, sexy talk, texts, letters, image/video sharing or watching, play, etc.
Second idea: Let's challenge the linear model of sex. This is the idea that sex should and does proceed in a linear fashion from less to more intense activity (think first base, second base, etc.). It's also sometimes referred to as the stairstep or escalator model. And further, the idea exists that if we don't keep moving upward on the escalator, if we slow down or back up or what not, something is wrong. That's just silly.
The reality is, again, sex is what you say it is, and it goes how you say it goes. You can do what feels good, in any order, and switch things up, change the pace and intensity, switch up sensations, take breaks, in any way that feels good to you and your partner/s. An idea I really like to replace the linear model of sex is the circular model. Which basically puts you into the middle of a whole bunch of options, and you get to choose what feels good and when. You are surrounded by options, and you pick what you want. It's all accessible to you. I've also heard this called the buffet or smorgasbord model. Again, all of the options are there, and you choose your own adventure in the way that feels good to you and your partner/s at the time. You want your dessert first, then some veggies? Followed by some pasta and then some chicken? Cool, you do you. No specific order required. And tomorrow, or next week, you might want a totally different experience, in a totally different order. Awesome. Go for it.
Third idea: Related to the second idea, is the idea of upshifting/downshifting/lateral shifting. This just wraps words around the idea that you can travel in any direction you want in a sexual encounter. You can upshift/increase the intensity/speed things up. You can downshift/decrease intensity/slow things down/take a break. You can make a lateral move to a similar level of experience but just a different activity. It's not all upshifts, all the way, headed on a trajectory toward penetration and ending in orgasm. It's whatever feels good to you and your bodies, NOT what some external source like porn or social media or movies or romance novels says you SHOULD be doing.
Fourth idea: Adjusting performance expectations for our bodies. Our bodies aren't sex machines designed for perfect on demand performance wherever, whenever, and for as long as we or our partner/s see fit. Our bodies are human. They need breaks. They have injuries and illnesses and need accommodations. Our bodies vary from one to another. And our same body can vary from day-to-day or minute-to-minute in how it functions and what feels good to it.
Our erections aren't meant to appear on demand and remain until we decide we're done with them. Our vulvas aren't meant to become slippery on demand and stay all lubed up until we say otherwise. Our bodies and brains aren't in perfect alignment. Erections wax and wane. Lubrication dries up and a great bottle of lube can be our best friend. We can switch activities when our erection decides to take a break (or take some time to enjoy the wonders of a flaccid penis!), or change from penetration to another activity if things become uncomfortable, painful, or just no longer fun.
I think overall, the message of this blog is to challenge some of the standard ideas that have been externally imposed on us about sex, our bodies, and what all of this should look like. The folks who have the most enjoyable sex and are able to sustain long term enjoyable sexual connections are the folks who let go of those external expectations and focus on what works and what feels good to them. And that's the experience I want for you.