Lots of folks who would like to experience orgasm struggle with how to create that experience for themselves (whether alone or with a partner/s). And no wonder, since there are lots of things that can contribute to the experience of orgasm going well, or going nowhere. Let's spend a few minutes just talking through some of the questions you might ask yourself to try to better understand what's going on for you if you're having trouble with orgasm. (And, of course, just to be clear, orgasm is only one possible part of a pleasurable sexual experience, and it is neither necessary nor sufficient for pleasure.)
To start with, a useful thing to think about is, how well do you know your body? Do you masturbate? Have you gotten curious and done some exploring? Do you know what kinds of touch feel good? Have you got a sense of how much stimulation, and what kind, in what places, and under what circumstances feel good to you? A thing to keep in mind is that YOU are responsible for your own pleasure, and your own orgasms. No one is going to "give" you one....it's your job to get to know yourself and what you like so that you can create that experience for yourself. If you want to do some exploring and learning in this area, a great resource (for people with vulvas) to explore self-touch is OMGYes, a wonderful psychoeducational site that combines reading and tasteful videos to help you (and your partner/s if you'd like to include them) explore the basics (and the more than basics!) of pleasurable touch. A few great books to help you on this journey include Lori Brotto's Better Sex Through Mindfulness and Laurie Mintz's Becoming Cliterate.
Another question to ask yourself is, how comfortable am I communicating with my partner/s? In general, our connection with our partner and our ability to communicate directly with them and feel safe with them has a direct impact on our sex lives. If there is strife in our relationship, if we don't feel safe with or trust our partner, if we are in a rough spot in our relationship, it's going to be difficult to connect with them sexually. How comfortable do you feel letting go and losing yourself in pleasure with someone if you are pissed at them, or don't trust them? And more specifically, if you don't feel safe and comfortable communicating with your partner/s, how are you going to show or tell them what feels good to you? Not sure how to start a conversation with your partner about sex? You could try starting with a Yes/No/Maybe list (like this one from Autostraddle). There are lots of them out there if you do a search. Or you could try an app like XConfessions, which is a fun, playful way to explore what you're into and get conversations started.
Another thing to get curious about: Are you experiencing medical or mental health concerns, or medication side effects, that interfere with your body's ability to experience orgasm? Talk with your healthcare professionals about how your medical or mental health condition/s might affect your experience of orgasm, and check the side effects lists of any meds you're taking. To be honest, many medical and mental health providers don't have training in sexual medicine, and may not provide a very useful answer. It's worth doing some research to find sex-positive treatment providers if this is an issue you have concerns about. Ask your provider what training they've had in sexual wellness, and if the answer is none, you may want to shop around.
As you're thinking about whether medical or mental health concerns might be playing a role, it's helpful to explore whether some of the unhelpful beliefs you're carrying around in your brain (like we all are!) might be getting in the way for you. Have you been taught that sex is dirty and bad? Have you learned that it's selfish to seek pleasure for yourself? Carrying around a bunch of body shame imposed by societal standards of beauty? Have you been taught to ignore or tune out emotions and bodily sensations? Or, are you preoccupied by life stressors? Having trouble setting aside your mental to-do list to focus on being in your body and experiencing pleasure? You can certainly start to work on those things on your own, but this is a time when a sex positive therapist can really come in handy. Most therapists don't have specialized training in sexual issues, and not all therapists are comfortable with sexual topics, so my suggestion is to look for a therapist who is connected with AASECT, the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists.
These are just some common areas of focus to start exploring if you're having trouble experiencing orgasm, but if you'd like to learn more and talk with a therapist about your questions and concerns, feel free to reach out. Let's talk about it.