I spend a lot of time supporting people to have hard conversations with their partners, and thought maybe I'd spend a few minutes sharing some ideas that I share with my clients about how to prepare for and start those hard conversations. So, here we go!
A helpful place to start is recognizing that you and your partner/s are separate people, with your own thoughts/feelings/beliefs/wishes/wants/fantasies. It's totally okay and normal that you don't agree with your partner/s on everything, or have the same thoughts/feelings/beliefs/wants, etc. Each of us is responsible for our selves.
What's important is that we develop the skills to:
1) Identify what you think/feel/want.
2) Communicate with your partner/s directly about that.
3) Hold steady if your partner/s doesn't agree or share your perspective.
4) Stay open and curious to hear your partner/s perspective, even if it doesn't agree with yours.
Once you have a sense of what you think/feel/want, a useful next step is to identify a time/place that you think would be good for both you and your partner/s to have the conversation. Consider a time when you and your partner/s have the time, space, privacy, emotional energy, and minimal distractions to focus on the conversation. Set yourselves up for success by choosing a context that is conducive for conversation. Don't jump on them as soon as they walk in the door from work, or initiate a hard conversation in public, or when you are low energy, already emotionally escalated, or don't have much time.
Once you've chosen what you think is a good time and place to initiate the conversation, ask your partner/s: I'd like to have a conversation about X. Is now a good time to talk? It's possible your partner/s has things going on you weren't aware of, and your carefully chosen time isn't a good fit for them. That's okay, you want them to be in a good space to have this conversation. If it's not a good time for them, you can follow up with: This conversation is really important to me. When would be a good time for us to talk? Can we set something up?
Hopefully, by the end of this, you've either decided you've chosen wisely and you can proceed with the conversation, or you've chosen a better time that works for everyone involved. (And if you are a person who has a partner who simply CANNOT STAND to delay a conversation once you've broached it because they aren't great at regulating their anxiety, it's a darn good thing you carefully chose a time/place that seemed conducive, 'cause chances are you're stuck having that conversation, RIGHT NOW. That's a whole other issue to work on in a separate Blog!)
Okay, final piece. You know it's okay that you and your partner are your own people with different thoughts/feelings/wants. You know what YOU think/feel/want. You've chosen a good time to have the conversation. You've checked in with your partner, and they agree it's a good time to have the conversation. Now, here's how you get it started.
This is a tool I picked up somewhere along the way called the Whole Message. It's a way of sharing information that includes enough of the relevant information so that you are setting up your listener for success, and they're more likely to understand where you're coming from. Here are the pieces/sentence stems:
When you:
I think:
I feel:
I wish/want/desire/am asking:
When you is the thing you are responding to. It's what happened/is going on that you want to talk about. For example: "When you get really sad around the holidays...." It doesn't have to start with When you, it's just that I find that an easy way to remember it as a sentence stem. It's the thing/topic you want to talk about. Sometimes it's a good idea to avoid YOU statements. So you might frame it more like an I statement: "I've noticed that around the holidays you seem pretty sad."
I think is...big surprise, your thoughts. (Quick aside on the difference between thoughts and feelings. Thoughts are usually sentences or phrases. Feelings are single words.) So, to keep rolling with the above example about your partner being sad around the holidays: "I start to worry I'm doing something wrong. Or that you don't like our life together." Keep it brief and digestible. This is just your
conversation starter, not a lecture.
I feel is your feelings. Stick with a single word or series of single words. Don't stick "I feel" in front of a sentence that is actually a thought (i.e. "I feel like you don't love me anymore"). So, in this example it might be: "And when I think about this, I feel sad, worried, scared, and a little hurt."
I wish/want/desire/am asking is you making your request. It could be a request to talk about the issue more. It could be a request for a behavior change. It could be setting a boundary. It could be expressing a hope or a dream. In this example, it might be: "And I'd love to talk more about what's going on for you so I can better understand and support you." Or maybe it looks like: "And I'd love to talk about building our own holiday traditions that would feel meaningful for both of us." Or: "I've always dreamed of having warm and cozy holidays with my partner and I really want to share that experience with you because I love you so damn much."
Putting it all together, your hard conversation opener in this example might look like:
"I've noticed that around the holidays you seem pretty sad. When I see that, I start to worry I'm doing something wrong. Or that you don't like our life together. And when I think about this, I feel sad, worried, scared, and a little hurt. And I'd love to talk more about what's going on for you so I can better understand and support you."
Allrighty, so that's your hard conversation started. Of course there are plenty of other skills to keep the conversation going in a safe, healthy, productive way, but that's a conversation for another day. Just getting a good start can make such a difference in getting you moving in the right direction!
Have questions about having hard conversations with your partner/s and want to talk more about it, or get some help? Feel free to get in touch with me at sexualwellnesspa.com, and we can set up an appointment to see how we might work together to build your skills in this area.