I recently re-read this wonderful book, Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers,
In one of my favorite chapters, Kleinplatz and Menard identify common myths about sex that persist in our culture, as well as the "antidotes" that they learned along the way as they gathered wisdom from the "extraordinary lovers" they studied.
This is a wonderful, very helpful book packed full of wisdom to help us learn how to have the pleasurable sex lives we desire, but if you don't have the time or energy to invest in a whole book, here are some great takeaways from the "Myths" chapter!
Myth 1: Sex should be natural and spontaneous
The reality:
Great sex involves choosing intentionally and collaboratively to make sex, your partner/s and your relationship a priority. It often involves planning, setting aside time, minimizing distractions, setting the scene, fantasizing, fostering positive anticipation, and being really present for a quality experience with your partner/s.
Myth 2: Great sex requires roses, candles, and lingerie (like in the movies)
The reality:
A pleasurable sexual experiences is about customizing preparation to the needs of the people involved. What do the partners want to experience, and how do they need to prepare to foster that experience?
Myth 3: Orgasms are necessary for great sex
The reality:
Orgasms can be a PART of great sex, but we can have great sex whether we have them or not, and having them doesn’t mean the sex was great. You can have an orgasm during mediocre sex. You can have one on your own. Great sex is about pleasure, and about enjoying the entirety of the experience with your partner/s.
Myth 4: Sex deteriorates with age
The reality:
Our sexual experiences benefit from our experience and maturity. Over time we can come to know ourselves and our bodies, as well as our partner/s and their bodies. Our perspectives can shift, and what is important can become more clear. We can learn to be creative and open to experiment as our bodies require us to adapt to changes related to age, illness, etc.
Myth 5: Great sex is for young, beautiful, able-bodied people
The reality:
We can enjoy sex in our imperfect, older, chronically ill, or disabled bodies. In fact, when we have to get creative to work with the bodies we (and our partners) have, we expand our ideas about what sex can look like, and we can create more pleasure than we ever thought possible.
Myth 6: Great sex only happens in long-term, loving, monogamous relationships
The reality:
Great sex can occur in any type of relationship where the partners are willing to develop an understanding of themselves and their bodies, communicate with their partners, and foster trust, safety, and respect.