What do we mean when we say we have "low desire?" It's one of the most common reasons folks seek sex therapy....they are concerned about "low desire." When someone tells me they're concerned about this, the first thing I'm curious about is "low compared to what?" Sometimes it's "low compared to my partner." Sometimes it's "low compared to what it was before." Sometimes it's "low compared to what I think everyone else experiences" based on what a person is seeing depicted in movies, music, novels, social media, etc.
An important thing to be clear about is that there is no "normal" or "right" level of desire to be experiencing. We humans vary quite a lot. Some folks have lots and lots of desire. Some folks have none at all. And there are lots of folks everywhere in between. All of that is "normal." And our level of sexual desire shifts and changes over time, based on life circumstances, our relationship/s, our health, our levels of stress, and all sorts of other factors. And since we are all individuals, there is no reason to expect that we and our partner/s are going to consistently have the same levels of desire, for the same things, at the same time....FOREVER. Or even ever, at all.
The only time I'm worried about someone's level of desire is if THEY are experiencing distress over it. And if they are, then we can talk about what's going on and figure out, together, where that person wants to go from there.
The thing I want to highlight about low desire in this blog in particular is one possible factor that might be contributing if you are feeling less desire than you want to. That factor is: Do you actually enjoy the sex that's available to you? If the answer is No, then it makes total sense that you don't desire a thing that you don't enjoy, doesn't it? It's just good judgment. We desire things that we actually enjoy. We don't desire things that we don't enjoy. Perhaps you might enjoy sex, just not the particular type of sex you've been having.
I don't desire tacos. They're not really my thing. If my partner LOVES tacos, and wants to make them at home, or go out to food trucks or restaurants to get them all the time, and I'm just not that into tacos, then I have a low desire for tacos. Which is fine. Why would I desire them if I don't like them that much? Just because my partner does? My partner is a whole separate person. They are free to like different things than me. And I don't have to like tacos just because they do.
It's not that I don't like FOOD. I love food. Just not tacos. But if all that's on offer is tacos, no thanks. If, however, what's on offer is fried pub food (hello wings and loaded fries!), I do, in fact, have a burning desire for that! As often as possible, please. I like food....but the kind of food that's on offer matters.
So....here's a thing to think about....is it that you have "low desire" for sex....or is it that you just aren't that into the sex that's available to you? Are you saying "no thanks" to tacos because they're just not your thing? Rather have a pizza? Or maybe you're not sure what you'd rather have....and some exploration is in order?
If the answer, in fact, is "yeah, now that you mention it, I'm not all that into the sex that's available to me," then hooray, you're on the path toward a sex life worth having! And the next question might be.....what kind of sex IS worth having?
Want some help sorting through these questions and figuring out where to go from here? If you're a book person, a great book to check out is desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences In Relationships, by Lauren Fogel Mersy, PSYD and Jennifer A. Vencill, PHD, ABPP.
Want to work on this issue with a supportive, AASECT-Certified, sex-positive therapist? If you're located in PA, feel free to reach out to me, and we can chat to see if we think we'd be a good fit to work together.
Not in PA? Check out the AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists) Provider Directory for a provider in your area.