I wanted to put something out this week about the fact that the U.S. Supreme Court has overturned Roe v Wade, thus removing the legal right to abortion in the US. Frankly, my brain is so full of thoughts and feelings about this that I’m struggling to wrap my mind around how to react. My goal is to put something useful out there for folks like me who are trying to figure out how they want to respond. Obviously I don’t have THE answer that’s going to solve all of the problems for everyone, but I can still contribute something that might be of help to someone.
I decided to take the same approach I often use with the folks I support in my work as a therapist. I often talk with people who are struggling with things that are out of their control. They don’t know how to respond, and they just need a little support and guidance figuring out how to move forward in their life when shitty things are happening that they just can’t do anything about.
So here’s how we approach it. I start by letting folks know that however they feel, it’s totally okay to feel that way. There are no wrong feelings. There’s no way you should or shouldn’t feel. There’s just what you feel. I suggest that we work on two tracks moving forward….on one track, we figure out what we’re feeling, and we identify strategies for responding to how we’re feeling in a way that helps us keep moving toward whatever our goals are for ourselves. It’s also useful to try to choose strategies that do not make things any worse for ourselves. You can probably all think of times when the way you reacted to a crap situation just made things WAY worse than they needed to be.
On the other track, we decide what, if anything, is available to us to try to make the shitty, out of our control situation better for us. That can look like any number of things. Sometimes that involves identifying who you can connect with who might be able to take action in some way on whatever the issue is. It might mean leaving a bad situation to pursue a better situation. It might mean taking a totally different approach to a situation. It might mean filing a complaint or a grievance. It might mean taking steps to prepare for some of the shitty, out of control things that you know are going to happen, so that when those things happen, they are less shitty for you.
So, in that spirit, here are some thoughts about responding to what’s going on with the state of abortion in our country.
First, before you do anything else, identify some things you can do that will help you cope with what’s happening in a way that helps you keep moving toward the things that are important to you, and doesn’t make a bad situation worse. When I say cope, by the way, I don’t mean try to stop having feelings about this. I mean find ways to accept those feelings and keep functioning in a way that works for you. There is a person in my life who often tells me to “soothe my advocacy self.” By this she means chill out, don’t rock the boat, pretending fucked up things are totally fine. Don’t try to change anything when you see a problem….because that shit makes people uncomfortable. That is NOT what I mean.
Who are your support people? I know I immediately reached out to some of my people as soon as I heard about the Supreme Court decision. I didn’t want to be alone with this information. A support person is just a person you can connect with and share your thoughts and feelings in a way that you will feel listened to, respected, and not judged. A support person does NOT have to be a person who has the power to DO anything about the situation. A support person might share your beliefs, thoughts, and feelings, but they might not. A support might also not be a specific person you know….it might be a website or social media account where you know you can connect with, or even just read or watch the thoughts of others who share your beliefs and struggles. I personally was scrolling away on social media feeling supported just looking at the words and reactions of folks all over the world who I don’t know, who shared my reaction to what’s happening.
What else works for you when you’re dealing with emotions and situations you find distressing? When I ask people what they’re already doing that’s working for the, many times folks don’t realize how many healthy coping strategies they are already using. Give yourself credit. What’s currently in your coping skills toolbox? Do you channel your feelings into a creative activity like crafting, gardening, or writing? Do you find release in physical activities like exercise, dancing, or sex? Do you soothe yourself with music, meditation, breathing techniques, or yoga? Do you seek out soothing or sensual physical sensations like taking a bath or shower, snuggling your pets, or being close with someone you love? Tap into those things. Also, I’m a big proponent of stealing ideas. Ask people in your life what THEY do that helps them cope. Then steal their best ideas. There is no limit to how creative we can be with figuring out how to care for ourselves in times of distress.
Okay, so, as we are working to care for ourselves and figure out the best ways to cope with our distressing emotions, let’s talk action. What can we be doing that has the potential to help us change the shitty thing that’s out of our control, even just a little bit?
I saw a very smart friend of mine talking on social media about a strategy that I love. She suggested that part of how we work to lessen the damage of this ruling is to educate, educate, educate about sex, relationships, bodies, boundaries, etc. There is a lot we can’t control, but we can control whether or not we are making sure the people in our lives, of all ages, understand our bodies, understand boundaries around touch, understand what kinds of activities can lead to pregnancy, understand ways to avoid pregnancy, and understand how to communicate with our sexual partners if we have them. We can take control over whether we and our friends and family, and the children in our lives know how to make safe decisions and know how to avoid making decisions that will, in some states, lead to being forced to carry an unwanted pregnancy to term. The state of sex ed it pretty sorry in our country. Many folks do not receive sex education in school. In places where sex education is part of the curriculum, it’s often not required to be medically accurate. Luckily, we don’t have to rely on schools to teach us. We adult can teach the kids in our lives ourselves. And we can educate ourselves and the other adults in our lives. If you are looking for resources to help you get started on your sex education journey, check out the Sexual Health and Wellness resource page on my website.
Another thing we can do is make sure we have the resources in place so that if we ever need to have an abortion, or we have someone in our life who does, we don’t have to add finding resources to the emotional stress of the situation. If you are a person who is able to get pregnant, and you live in a place where travel may be necessary should you have an unwanted pregnancy, think about working to set aside some money should you ever need it. A little bit at a time adds up. Do a little research and figure out where the resources are in your area. Again, I’ve been watching very smart folks post on social media and have some across some websites I want to make sure to share. Here they are:
I set up an abortion resources page on my website, so feel free to check it out if you’re looking for resources, or contact me if you have resources to suggest.
Okay, the last thing I’ll mention is to freaking VOTE. At this point, access to abortion is being decided at the state level. That means your vote is more important than ever. Your vote can decide whether we elect people into office who will fight for our rights. Don’t stay home on election day. Let your elected officials know where you stand, and get out there and vote every chance you get.
A last word for now….I was talking with a close friend about this today over some delicious Mediterranean food…she was asking….what about people who feel hopeless, who feel overwhelmed…who feel disappointed that we have to backtrack and fight for rights we’ve already fought for…or our mothers and grandmothers and their mothers before them have already fought for? She was worried that anything she could do at this point wouldn’t make a difference. I want to you to hear that whatever you do, however small, it makes a difference. Even if it makes a difference to one person, that difference counts. And know, there are lots of us, all over the country, and all over the world, who are doing whatever small things we can do to make a difference. We may not see the big picture of all of the change we effect, all the good we do, but know that you are not alone, you are part of something bigger, and every lit bit that each of us does counts, and makes a difference. None of us can do this alone. But together what we can do is awesome.