Is it "Low Desire," or are you just not in the right mental space?

I've mentioned in previous blogs that there is no "right" or "normal" amount of desire to experience. Human beings are variable, and whatever amount of desire you experience is fine, as long as you're okay with it.

Sometimes what we call "low desire" is just us comparing ourselves to others, whether that be to our partner, to our friends, to cultural expectations, etc.

Sometimes what we call "low desire" is us comparing ourselves to past versions of ourselves....the amount of desire we felt when our life circumstances were different, or our relationship, health, finances, responsibilities, etc. were different. We were into it back then....why aren't we now? Something must be wrong.

Sometimes we want to want it, but we just don't. If we're in that spot, a useful question to ask is: Do I like the sex that's available to me, when I actually have it? (If the answer is no, check out my last blog) If the answer is yes, hooray! If the answer is yes, I do like the sex I have when I actually have sex, then the challenge in front of you very well may be figuring out how to help yourself get into the mental space where you are open to transitioning into being sexual with your partner/s.

In her latest book, Come Together: The Science (And Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections, Emily Nagoski, PhD, writes about a practical way to navigate this that I just love. She used neuroscience research about our emotional states to create the idea of the Emotional Floor Plan (EFP). She uses the EFP as a tool for helping us understand how we experience pleasure favorable emotional states (Care, Play, Seeking, Lust) and pleasure adverse states (Rage, Fear, Grief/Panic), and how to use our knowledge of how/when we experience those states to help ourselves create a map to move ourselves toward pleasure.

She describes how each of us experiences these emotional "spaces" differently, and transition between them differently, and helps us understand how we might, if we wanted to, navigate ourselves from a pleasure adverse emotional state to a more pleasure favorable emotional state similarly to how we might navigate through the floor plan of a building.

Many of us are much more likely to transition into the Lust emotional space from the other pleasure favorable states (Care, Play, Seeking). It can be helpful just to know that it's not particularly reasonable to expect yourself to transition right from a pleasure adverse state (like Grief or Fear, for example) into Lust. On our Emotional Floor Plan, many of us do not have a connecting doorway from the pleasure adverse spaces right to Lust. How many of us expect ourselves just to turn it on like a light switch even though we are struggling with work stress, or financial concerns, or we're kinda pissed at our partner right now? It doesn't work, because the stressed out, worried, pissed off at our partner emotional space is NOT next door to the Lust space.

It's also helpful to know from which pleasure favorable spaces you are most likely to transition to the Lust space. Do you feel more frisky after being silly or playful (Play)? Or after being cared for and supported (Care)? Or after exploring something new and interesting (Seeking)? Emily calls these pleasure favorable emotional spaces "the room next to the room where it happens." (The room where it happens being Lust) She describes how, rather than trying to navigate yourself from a pleasure adverse emotional space right to Lust, you try for navigating yourself to Care, Play, or Seeking....whichever is "next door" to the Lust space for you. Once you know how to get to Play, Seeking, or Care, you are much more likely to be want to and be able to transition to Lust. And if you don't transition to Lust at least you've navigated yourself into a pleasurable space.

There's lots more to say about how to use the Emotional Floor Plan to help you better understand yourself and to help yourself navigate to a pleasure favorable state where you are much more likely to access the desire for sex. If you'd like to learn more, or try out using this tool yourself, I highly recommend you read Emily's book. If you'd like to explore these ideas with the help of a professional, get in touch!